You aren’t a bad mother. Here’s why

By Kara Alaimo, CNN

(CNN) — When Ej Dickson was told by her son’s preschool teacher that her son might be struggling, some people told Dickson she wasn’t doing enough to help him. Others told her she was overreacting.

Either way, she was a bad mom, Dickson writes in her new book “One Bad Mother: In Praise of Psycho Housewives, Stage Parents, Momfluencers, and Other Women We Love to Hate.”

Women are constantly told we’re not parenting properly, writes Dickson, a senior writer at New York Magazine’s site The Cut. Most of the time, that’s not true. But internalizing these ideas is really bad for us, she said, noting her book focuses on pop culture, not parenting advice. I asked her where these ideas came from and how she avoids buying into them.

This conversation has been lightly edited and condensed for clarity.

CNN: What constitutes a bad mother in our culture?

Ej Dickson: It’s a really expansive definition, and that’s by design. A bad mother can be too permissive or not permissive enough. A bad mother can be dressed too provocatively or too conservatively. She can care too much about her appearance or not care enough. It’s really just a phrase that can be used to describe anybody who deviates from the mainstream American cultural mold.

CNN: You say it’s never been easier to be a bad mother.
Why?

Dickson: I think because participating in our society is like living in a panopticon. The idea is based on philosopher Jeremy Bentham’s design for a prison, where there’s a guard in the middle and he can see inside all the cells and prisoners can also see out and watch each other. It’s this feeling of being surveyed and also surveying that’s just constant. It allows you to police your own behavior and also police the behavior of others.

I think that’s especially true for mothers, who already experience this daily sense of being judged and feeling judged, and the internet heightens that tenfold.

I spend a lot of time on the internet for my job, and the amount of mom-shaming I’ve seen over the past few years is incredible. I’ll see people threatening to call child protective services on various momfluencers because their apartments are a little messy, or they’re giving their kids powdered donuts for breakfast. Even momfluencers who adhere to pristine ideals of motherhood have people tearing them apart for the littlest things.

CNN: Why don’t we judge dads the same way?

Dickson: We don’t judge dads the same way we judge moms because historically, we have not held fathers accountable for any aspect of child-rearing whatsoever, while we have held mothers accountable for all of it, including their children’s successes and failures. That has changed somewhat as fathers have become more actively involved in raising their kids and household labor in general, but societal expectations for dads have not really evolved in tandem. Dads still get praise for basically being present while mothers are judged for virtually everything they do. The bar for dads is on the floor.

CNN: What is intensive parenting, and why do you think it’s bad for moms and kids?

Dickson: I think of it as helicopter parenting: being overly involved in every aspect of child-rearing, from the food you give your child to the amount of screen time they have, who they hang out with and how they spend every minute of their time. Being incredibly prescriptive about child-rearing in that way can arguably be harmful because children are their own people, and part of growing up is making mistakes. I think there’s an argument to be made that intensive parenting doesn’t really allow room for them to do that.

The rates of anxiety and depression for mothers are extremely high, and I think it’s kind of obvious why. As parenting becomes more and more intense, and as there are more demands that mothers place on themselves to become more involved in their children’s lives, of course they’re going to be more depressed and anxious, because these are impossible standards to live up to.

What I see in Brooklyn where I live is just so much pressure that mothers place on themselves when they practice this type of parenting. It takes all the joy and fulfillment out of parenting itself, which is, for me, the point of motherhood.

CNN: How do you ward off mom guilt yourself?

Dickson: As a mother, I spend so much time thinking about whether I can have it all, and whether I should quit my job and stay home, and whether my kids are suffering as a result of me being in the workplace. I think this internalized guilt and pressure is something a lot of working mothers go through.

As I researched the book, I found out that moms have actually been working outside of the home throughout most of human history. It wasn’t really until the end of World War II, when there was this push to drive women back into the home after they’d had their taste of autonomy when the men were off fighting in the war, that we really started seeing this pressure take hold for women to stay home and raise children and not pursue autonomous careers. Knowing the context from which this arose is very helpful for me when I think about not making a meeting after school on a Tuesday at 2 p.m. It has helped alleviate a lot of the internalized guilt I feel.

CNN: You point out that people tend to look for proof of whether someone was a “good” parent in metrics such as whether their kids got a good education or have good jobs, but those aren’t the right standards. Why?

Dickson: I just think that’s so stupid. Obviously, parenting is the hardest job in the world, but the goal is simple: to love and support and nurture your child, regardless of what their passions are, or what they want to be in life. It seems like parenting in 2026 is making something very simple very complicated.

To me, the only metrics that should be considered are health and happiness, especially when our kids are young.

CNN: You say a lot of moms feel unappreciated, invisible and disconnected from others, which makes them vulnerable to predation from people who do things like market questionable products to them. What can we do about this?

Dickson: I think there’s a huge industry of people preying on mothers’ insecurities or struggles by trying to sell them things. It’s really gross.

If I see an ad for something that pertains to a specific parenting struggle I’ve been having —like if I was just talking about how I need to get the kids new shorts and I see something about shorts — I try to roll my eyes and scroll past it.

It’s about practicing discernment. What is this person trying to sell you? What is the perceived vulnerability they are trying to capitalize on? And do you really think that what they are going to provide you is going to be effective in solving whatever problem you have?

CNN: You say it’s really OK to put our kids in front of the TV and scroll on our phones for a few minutes. Why?

Dickson: The parenting culture we’ve built for ourselves is predicated on mothers’ anxiety. I can’t think of a single mother in my life who I think needs to do more active parenting and be more stressed-out and anxious. Literally every mother I know could benefit from giving themselves a break.

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