Should you stop saying ‘um’? Here’s what experts said

By Gina Park, CNN

(CNN) — As someone who’s originally from Southern California and now lives in the South, it’s not uncommon for me to get Valley girl comments.

I have a habit of throwing in a quick “you know, like” or “so like” in between every few sentences.

Those are called “filler words,” which are defined as words, sounds or phrases that we use, often unintentionally, to fill pauses when we don’t know what to say.

I use them so often that I don’t process how many times I’m saying them. In fact, most of us probably aren’t counting the amount of filler words we use in a sentence (but I bet you’re counting now).

There is even an ongoing TikTok trend, in which online users like Aleeya Hutchins and John Spina try to speak for one to three minutes straight without using any filler words.

“It’s difficult for us to be in the present moment and speak freely without taking pauses,” Hutchins said in her video.

“Every time I see this trend on my ‘for you’ page, it looks really easy, but every participant in this challenge sounds like they’re suffocating on every word,” Spina said in his video.

I feel it, too. Many of these videos are filled with comments from people expressing discomfort, anxiety or even anger at the number of pauses participants trying to avoid filler words are taking.

Pausing is just one of the many ways people are advised to cut filler words from their speech. Other methods include taking a deep breath or speaking only after formulating a full thought.

So, like, do you really want to remove those filler words from your speech? What are they there for? One expert told me that constantly trying to stop myself from saying filler words could worsen my communication with others.

Where do filler words come from?

If you’ve ever spoken to people from different regions or even been online, you’ve probably noticed that different people use different filler words.

More known regional accents include the Valley girl accent, which involves repetitive use of the words “like,” “totally” and “whatever.” A newer version, known as influencer-speak or TikTok voice, involve “you know” and “vibe.”

Everyone speaks differently and we know that, but where are these filler words coming from?

This is a hard question to answer because we’ve always used filler words.

“Filler words are part of your mental dictionary, even things like um or uh,” said Dr. Idan Blank, assistant professor of psychology and linguistics at the University of California, Los Angeles.

Although most people might not think of filler words as words, “it is a word as far as our mind is concerned,” he added. “And so, if you, as an individual, want to use a filler word, which filler word you use is the one that you’ve used the most. Because that’s the one that is easiest for you to pull out.”

If you take that to a larger, regional scale, you get things like the Valley girl accent, which is created by cultural comfort with certain filler words.

“The way we use language changes from speaker to speaker, and some ways of speaking get conventionalized. We all want to be able to communicate, so we often mimic the way other people speak. And of course, a big part of language is habits,” Blank said.

Why do we use filler words?

There are two main goals in language: delivering information and having that information be understood, whether that’s factually or emotionally.

The easiest way to do this is through speech. By talking to people, we can build a rhythm that allows us to achieve these goals, and filler words can be a great tool in maintaining conversational momentum.

“If you think about when you’re communicating with someone else, you have to have natural pauses, and filler words sometimes will serve that purpose for you,” said Dr. Angela Corbo, a professor and chair of the department of communication studies at Widener University in Chester, Pennsylvania.

“It indicates that that’s the moment where you’re inviting people to think, to ponder, and they go from that passive listening process to knowing that they’re included in the conversation.”

Maybe you’ve been on the phone with someone and during a brief pause, they asked, “Hello? Are you still there?”

We live in an anxious society that doesn’t like pauses, Corbo said, and “we’re used to a certain cadence. Filler words often substitute for ‘I need a moment to get my thoughts together,’ or in some cases, might even be seen as more socially appropriate to say.”

Is there a right time to use filler words?

When you’re working in a professional setting, whether it’s giving a presentation to your team or clients, speaking in court, or being interviewed, it’s often preferable to avoid using filler words because people might interpret empty words or phrases as your being unprepared. You prevent that by practicing your presentation in advance.

“If you’re a politician, if you are doing a news conference, if you are performing or speaking to some type of recorded media, audio or video, you really do want to have as much polish and practice as possible,” said Corbo, avoiding those filler words.

But being in a professional setting doesn’t mean you can’t ever use some filler words.

“If I’m preparing to teach a class, I want to show credibility. I want to show that I’m prepared. I want to show that I’m knowledgeable,” Corbo said. “But on the other hand, I want to make sure there’s interaction. I might pause. I might use ‘like,’ I’ll often use ‘so’ just to bring people into the conversation a little bit more.”

It’s about finding a balance that gets you to your goal and allows for interpersonal relationship building between you — the speaker — and your audience.

“It’s important to know what you’re going to say,” but there also has to be a level of authenticity in your speech, Corbo said. Using filler words can help you avoid sounding “robotic.”

How do you know when to use filler words?

You can figure out when to use filler words by asking yourself three questions.

Who is your audience? If “they already have given you credibility, they want to be with you. They want to be relaxed. They don’t want to hear you give a formal speech that you would if you would be doing public speaking,” so it’s perfectly fine to use filler words, Corbo said.

What are the key messages you want to convey? If you go into a conversation with “three things I want to talk about today, you’re more likely to feel more confident as you’re conveying that to the person that you need to speak with, and that minimizes the amount of filler words,” Corbo said.

For example, when you’re doing a prepared presentation, you probably use little to no filler words. You might not even realize it, but because you already know what you need to say, you naturally avoid them.

Are you actively listening to the other person? Sometimes, we use filler words because we aren’t completely sure what the other person has said.

It’s OK to use filler words when you’re talking with trusted friends or family because you have an established relationship, Corbo said. You don’t need to be polished during those conversations.

But when you want to contribute intellectually or professionally, “you do want to impress people more,” she added “So, identify as you’re listening, do some active listening, and maybe jot notes down, whether it’s mentally or however, you take your notes, and then you have your reply ready. So, it’s thoughtful and it reflects the topic that’s at hand.”

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