What your teen actually wants you to do when they are upset

By Madeline Holcombe, CNN

(CNN) — Maybe a hug from a parent no longer solves problems for a teen as it did in their childhood. But when it comes to teenage mental health, adults can do a lot to help, according to new data.

“We want to bear in mind that the emotional lives of young people are a very complex and mixed picture with very real ups and also downs,” said Dr. Lisa Damour, a clinical psychologist in Ohio who partnered with the Walton Family Foundation and Gallup in the research.

The survey published Tuesday asked 1,675 people ages 10 to 18 about their emotional lives and their needs from the adults who care for them.

The sullen, withdrawn stereotype many people have about teens isn’t the full picture, according to the research.

Of the preteens and teens who were surveyed, 45% said they felt stressed the day before, 38% felt anxious and 23% felt sad, according to the data. But nearly all of them — 94% — said they also felt happiness for much of that day.

The survey found that 1 in 6 parents have a hard time comforting and communicating with their teen.

Fortunately, the teens told adults exactly what they need in this survey as well.

“What I hope that families can take from these results is that kids have ups at least as much as they have downs, kids have terrific, really healthy ways of managing their own emotions,” said Damour, author of “The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents.” “That listening, offering space, comfort and reassurance is often all that kids are looking for.”

The stakes have changed

Years ago, your child may have come running to you with a scraped knee or a friend who wouldn’t share, and your hug would do just the trick.

But entering the teen years presents more complex problems with higher stakes, Damour said.

“If your big kid’s upset, it may be a grade, it may be a blowup with a friend, it may be something actually that has to do with risky behavior,” she said. And the approaches that worked with your kids before often stop working in adolescence, Damour added.

Yes, teens are often facing greater challenges than the generations before them, and it is easy to blame that on the Covid-19 pandemic, said Stephanie Marken, a senior partner at Gallup who worked with the Walton Family Foundation in designing, architecting and implementing the research.

But research showed that difficulties with anxiety and isolation were on the rise even before the outbreak, she said.

The worsening mental health and rising stakes of teens often puts parents in a difficult place. How can you be centered, approachable and helpful in offering perspective when you as the adult are also full of anxiety over the problems of your teens?

That scenario is why it’s important for parents and caregivers to have their own mental health resources, said Dr. Whitney Trotter, a doctor of nursing practice, psychiatric and mental health nurse practitioner and registered dietitian in Austin, Texas. She was not involved in the survey.

Not only can seeing a therapist or employing your own coping strategies make you more available for your teen, but it is also a powerful way to model positive mental health to them, she added.

Teens have good ways to cope

When your kid puts on their headphones and seems to tune out the world, that isn’t just angst — it may be an effective coping strategy.

Among the top coping strategies preteens and teens listed were playing video games, listening to music, cuddling a pet, talking about their feelings and connecting with friends.

Research has shown that music is an effective way to experience an emotion to work through it and get the feeling out, Damour said.

“What I have learned from teenagers is it’s actually a very elaborate and specific process,” she added. “Many of them have playlists that match a mood. They have angry playlists, they have sad playlists, they have get-excited, pump-up playlists.”

And video games get a bad reputation, but they can be an effective way to distract oneself, Damour said.

“As long as it’s done in moderation, distraction is a perfectly effective way to handle a feeling,” she added.

Social media and other screen-based entertainment often is talked about in terms of the risks, but “the potential benefits of social media to a large proportion of teens have received insufficient attention,” said Dr. Laurence Steinberg, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Temple University in Philadelphia. He was not involved in the survey research.

The data also showed that teens used time with friends and talking about their feelings as a way to cope, which Damour described as “wildly adaptive.”

“Young people themselves have very adaptive ways for handling their distress, and I think as adults, we can be very quick to blow past or minimize all of the incredibly adaptive strategies they use,” she said.

How to help your teen

The thing preteens and teens going through something tough want most from their parents is to be listened to, the data showed.

That was followed closely by giving them space and taking their feelings seriously. Physical comfort and advice lagged behind.

“In my experience as a psychologist, if they want advice, they’ll ask for it, or we should ask them if it’s what they want,” Damour said.

It might seem obvious to listen first and then offer help, but that can be hard to do when you so badly want your child to feel better, Marken said. Often adults find themselves jumping right to a solution.

That instinct can be particularly difficult for a teen, many of whom doubt their own emotions, Damour said. Having an adult listen and take them seriously tells teens their emotions make sense, even if they are feeling them more deeply than they used to, she added.

It’s essential to empower teens when working through difficult things by talking with them, not at them, Trotter said.

She recommends asking questions more, such as “why do you think that happened?” or “what do you think you should do next?”

And while it’s important to still maintain boundaries as the adult, getting teens’ input on their own lives is also helpful, Trotter said. What do they think about their pediatrician? Are they comfortable with their therapist?

“There’s no one silver bullet to help solve some of these issues students are facing,” Marken said. “It’s going to be multiple things that we have to do to help students become more resilient and … help them also get some tools in their own tool belt to overcome some of these challenges.”

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