Triumph over trauma: A survivor’s story of addiction, mental illness and suicide
By Kelly Doty
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ASHEVILLE, North Carolina (WLOS) — A fade-in from black reveals 41-year-old Brad Harrison sitting alone in front of a grey backdrop that you might find in a photographer’s studio.
“I’m from Burnsville, North Carolina. Very small town,” he says as he introduces himself to the camera.
Brad goes on to describe a childhood of abuse, the vivid memory of his mother killing herself, and how the trauma has reverberated throughout his life.
His story joins more than 1,200 others on the popular YouTube channel Soft White Underbelly, produced by photographer Mark Laita. The channel touts 3.9 million subscribers and features stripped-down interviews with people from all walks of life. Topics range from homelessness, sex work, drugs, addiction, crime, and abuse — just to name a few.
Content Warning: The following video contains descriptions of suicide, self-harm, drug use and some explicit language
Brad’s “Childhood Trauma Survivor” story could be described as the intersection of many topics explored on Soft White Underbelly. What makes it different is Brad’s earnest desire to turn his life and trauma into testimony that there’s hope for anyone, no matter their situation.
“No matter how bad off you are, the worst drug addict – I was; the worst anxiety – I have it; horrible depression – been there,” Brad listed off. “Anybody, no matter how bad it is, can turn it around.”
“I remember everything.” In 1998, Brad said he was a junior in high school and lived with his mother and grandmother. He described himself as a good kid that never did anything wrong.
“I was an honors student. I had to be,” he told News 13.
The reason he “had to be” alludes to the physical abuse he says he’d suffer at the hands of his mother if he brought home anything below an A.
“If I brought a B home, I got beat and grounded for a month until I brought the grade back up,” Brad said. However, if he brought home an A, he was rewarded with $100 from his grandmother.
During his interview on Soft White Underbelly, Brad described what it was like growing up with his mother, who he called a “paranoid schizophrenic” who was physically and verbally abusive. He said the disease and drug addiction eventually “got the better of her,” and she took her life.
“I remember it like it was yesterday,” Brad said of the night his mother died. “I remember the smells. I remember the sounds. I remember everything.” In the video, Brad recalled how the night unfolded until he heard the gunshot. He described how his mother looked on the floor immediately after, the first responders’ efforts to save her, and the moment his mother was declared dead.
The wake of his mother’s death rocked Brad for much of his life. He says he flunked out of a college scholarship as he struggled with his mental health. Drugs became part of his life, starting with a prescription for Xanax days after his mother’s death. He says he eventually used those pills to attempt suicide.
Benzodiazepines were eventually traded for opiates, Brad said, before he discovered and started using methamphetamine.
Brad says he’s had 11 hospitalizations for reasons that range from anxiety and detox to suicidal ideation and attempts.
He believes the past has also influenced the kind of partners he attracts, as he has found himself in relationships with physically abusive women.
“I’m always looking to save somebody else and never cared about saving myself,” he said.
“I’ve got a lot to offer.” Twenty-four years later, Brad says he’s finally found happiness. He now lives in a south Asheville apartment with his dog, Itsy.
“He is my baby. I’ll do anything for him. He’s my best friend,” he said of his dog. “I’m never alone. I always have someone to talk to.”
Brad Harrison, of Asheville, poses with his dog, Itsy, at Lake Lure Park. (Photo: WLOS Staff)
Itsy’s companionship is especially cherished since he says much of his family has passed away or is estranged, aside from his daughter.
“I have no family, you know,” he said. “I don’t really have a lot of close friends because I quit doing drugs and left everybody in the past.”
An arrest and a few days in jail forced Brad to do an inventory of his life. He described the arrest as the best thing that ever happened to him.
“I started realizing I’m an intelligent person. I’ve got a lot to offer, and I’ve got a lot inside,” he said. “And I think I can give people a whole lot of insight. And second to that, I’m no good to anybody the way I am right now.”
Brad Harrison shares his advice for those in recovery from substance use. (Video: WLOS Staff)
After getting out of jail, Brad says he started a suboxone regimen, attended therapy regularly, and leaned on his faith in God to begin his recovery.
“My faith is the main thing I have leaned on,” he said. “God has never failed to bless me when I pray.”
He says he’s been sober since April 28, 2021.
“I’ve never been able to love myself until now or know who I am, even,” he said. “I don’t think people know who they really are until they get off drugs.” He continues his treatment with an Assertive Community Treatment Team (ACTT) through October Road: North Carolina Addiction Treatment. Through this program, a team of health professionals and therapists come to his home to help him on his journey.
Brad said he’s making other improvements in his life, like getting his license reinstated after 20 years. He’s currently raising money to get a car so he can take the driving test.
The ripple effect The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) says suicide was among the top 9 leading causes of death for United States citizens ages 10-64 in 2020. The same year, the CDC reported nearly 46,000 people died by suicide, while 1.2 million adults attempted it.
Brad’s story underscores the repercussions of suicide on those left behind. A National Alliance of Mental Illness (NAMI) article compared the impact of a death by suicide to a pebble dropped into a pond. The act triggers a chain of waves that spread far from the point of impact. The largest waves rock those closest to the deceased.
NAMI suggests the stigma around suicide leads to silence and isolation for those touched by its ripple effects. The group says talking about and sharing stories about suicide play a role in prevention and decreasing stigma.
“My story would fit perfect.” When Brad did his interview with Mark Laita, he says he’d only just heard about the Soft White Underbelly interview series through the No Jumper podcast.
“I was like, ‘Whoa, my story would fit perfect on that channel,'” Brad said.
After submitting a short summary video of his story to the channel, Brad says he got a phone call from Mark the same day. He said the California-based photographer was going to be on the East Coast in the next month and wanted to set up an interview.
Brad Harrison recalls how he came to be on the popular YouTube channel Soft White Underbelly. (Video: WLOS Staff)
“Afterwards, he said, ‘I’m definitely using your video,'” Brad recalled Mark saying after the interview was over.
One month and a week after the interview was filmed, the video went live on YouTube. As of Oct. 18, 2022, the video has more than 147,000 views and over 2,400 comments.
As for the response to his story, Brad says it was more than he could have ever imagined.
“I thought, you know, there’d be a mixed bag,” he said. “I thought there’d be some people that disagreed with me totally. The support has been amazing.”
Brad talks about the response online to his story. (Video: WLOS Staff)
He says the feedback from the commenters brings positivity into his life.
“Every day I can get up, and there’s something new positive that I can look at. Or there’s someone there with a question or saying I related to them, and I made them be able to move past something or wake up,” Brad said. “I don’t know. They just say it touched them, and it changed them.”
“I love helping people. I love being able to respond to the comments and give them my perspective on what they said and how much I appreciate it,” he added. “It means a lot.”
“Getting high is not as important as getting better.” As traumatic as Brad’s story is, he doesn’t want the pain to be the main takeaway of his interview with Soft White Underbelly. He says he wants his story to be heard and to help as many people as possible.
“It’s possible for any person. I don’t care if they’re 75 years old. It can change. Your path can change if you allow it to,” he said. Brad’s story shows the devastating aftermath suicide can have on those left behind, and that’s also part of his message.
“Think before you act. There are widespread consequences for what you’re going to do if you hurt yourself. Your family will suffer,” he said. “My mama ruined my life by doing that. That’s probably not her intention at all. Nobody will ever know what was going through her mind.”
Brad talks about what he wants people to take away from his story on Soft White Underbelly. (Video: WLOS Staff)
As for anyone struggling with drug use or addiction, Brad says finding something to believe in is critical.
“Find something that you are passionate about: God, 12-steps, Celebrate Recovery – whatever program you want to use. Find something to believe in beyond yourself,” he said. “Unless you have a huge support system…you got to figure out there’s a higher meaning to something. There’s some reason that you’re here.”
Gratitude is something Brad practices and believes can help people in recovery.
“Every day, count. Look around at the beautiful colors you can see because you’re not blind,” he said. “Everybody has blessings. They just refuse to count them and stop the pity party.”
He also advises anyone who needs treatment to seek it out.
“Getting high is not as important as getting better,” he said.
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IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS STRUGGLING, click below for local resources that can help.
OR contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988. You can also chat online at 988lifeline.org.
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