It’s ugly out there. 5 tips for talking to those with divergent views

CNN

By Andrea Kane, CNN

Editor’s note: The podcast “Chasing Life” with Dr. Sanjay Gupta explores the medical science behind some of life’s mysteries big and small. You can listen to episodes here.

(CNN) — After months of polarizing rhetoric, unexpected pivots and misinformation galore, this roller coaster of an election season is finally coming to a close. For many, the end can’t come soon enough; the political tension is so thick, and many people just want a reprieve from the vitriol and stress.

In fact, seven in 10 Americans report feeling anxious or frustrated about the 2024 presidential campaign, according to a recent poll.

Regardless of what happens today — and in the days and weeks that follow — it’s unlikely anything will be resolved: The political divide will remain, and we will have to face people with divergent opinions around the dinner table, around the neighborhood, around the office and, maybe especially, around the holidays.

Having any kind of conversation on delicate or divisive issues, let alone a civil and productive one, can be a huge challenge for many of us.

“I think it’s harder for more people, more of the time because of the culture that we live in today,” conflict resolution expert Peter T. Coleman told CNN Chief Medical Correspondent Dr. Sanjay Gupta on his podcast “Chasing Life” recently.

“The climate right now, certainly in the US, but frankly in many democracies around the world, (it’s) so polarized that when things happen, whether it’s Covid or a presidential campaign or a war, they become quickly weaponized and quickly polarizing — and then we have a very hard time talking about them,” he said.

Coleman, a social psychologist, knows something about working through conflict. He’s a professor of psychology and education at Columbia University, and he directs The Morton Deutsch International Center for Cooperation and Conflict Resolution, where he runs the Difficult Conversations Lab. He is also the author of several books, including “The Way Out: How to Overcome Toxic Polarization.”

“This is a particularly tense time,” he said, noting that conflict that starts with political leaders trickles down to everyone. “You start to see these kinds of divisions in families and workplaces that feel like they become intractable,” he said.

You can listen to the full episode here.

Coleman said that by some measures — including the willingness of members of Congress to work across the aisle to pass legislation — we are “as or more polarized” than we were shortly after the US Civil War.

“There are many factors that contribute to it, but if you look at some of the metrics, this is an acute time of conflict, tension, polarization, indifference, and we are quick to assume the worst of the other and react in sort of both physiological (and) psychological ways,” he said.

Anyone who has experienced conflict firsthand (and that’s just about everybody) knows it is felt in both body and mind.

“Humans, we are hardwired to be sensitive to threat, some of us more than others,” he said. “When we experience a member of an outgroup (a social group with which a person does not identify), it triggers our amygdala, triggers our sense of anxiety and threat and emotions. And that’s … a pretty primitive and evolutionary instinct that we all live with.”

Furthermore, Coleman said when we hear or read something that we consider outrageous, it triggers the same parts of the brain that are triggered by narcotics — and we can actually become addicted to this outrage.

But, he said, we humans are also wired to cooperate.

Coleman cites the work of anthropologist Douglas Fry, who studied peaceful societies and found when Homo sapiens lived in small groups, hunting and foraging, they had to cooperate. But about 10,000 years ago, when early humans settled down, started to claim land and accumulate possessions, “that’s when inequality and envy and a sense of sort of injustice starts to come in. And that’s when you see group-on-group violence and war,” he explained.

“The fact is that most of us are hardwired to cooperate and to need each other … because we’re so vulnerable for the first two years of our lives that we need others to survive,” Coleman said. “And in smaller groups, that is what we’re inclined to do.”

So, how can we stack the deck in favor of cooperation over conflict when we need to resolve a disagreement — political or otherwise?

One “go-to” tactic is compromise. “Compromise is a method of conflict resolution or dispute resolution. It’s usually splitting the difference,” explained Coleman, using as an example the parent who cuts an orange in half so two warring siblings can share equally. “That, oftentimes, in some situations, might be the optimal solution.”

But it is not the only way. Looking for an “integrative solution” may be a better path forward, he said. For example, maybe one child wants to eat the orange, and the other wants the peel for making marmalade. In that case, each child can get 100% of what they want.

“It’s finding out what’s behind their needs in this situation and then being creative and problem solving around how does everybody get more of what they want, not just half of what they want.”

Believing everybody has the same motivation, or everyone values the same thing, is “such a rookie mistake that we all make all the time,” he said.

How can you be better positioned to tackle conflict, have productive conversations and avoid World War III in these divisive times? Coleman has five tips.

Acknowledge emotions

Recognize that anxiety and intense emotions are normal when dealing with divisive, hot-button issues, Coleman said via email.

“Instead of relying solely on logical arguments, focus on establishing a foundation of positivity, trust and rapport with (people) across divides,” he said. “This may take time but is crucial for constructive conversations.”

To stay calm and composed while you work on building trust, he recommends channeling your favorite peacemaker and asking yourself how they’d behave in this situation.

Don’t settle for simple — dig for gold

Understand that most serious issues are complex and rarely have simple solutions, Coleman noted, highlighting topics such as abortion, gun control and immigration.

“Real problems are like onions — they’ve got layers,” he said. “Look for the gray areas, acknowledge the good and bad on both sides, and avoid turning everything into a black-and-white showdown.”

And remember that two opposing arguments can be true at once and good people can hold diverging views.

Be mindful of ‘initial conditions’

Tread lightly when starting a discussion because what you say and how you say it will color the rest of the conversation and possibly your relationship moving forward.

“Be thoughtful about how you initiate and frame difficult conversations, as your first moves (the initial conditions) can significantly impact the outcome,” Coleman said.

Instead of launching into what might feel like a full-on inquisition, he advised beginning the conversation on a “human dimension.” Ask how the person is doing, how their kids or parents are. Only then gently move on to, “Can you tell me why you feel this way about (the difficult topic).”

Listen like a pro (not just to win)

Active listening isn’t just about sitting there while someone talks, waiting for your turn to jump in with a killer rebuttal, said Coleman.

“You’ve got to actually hear what the other person is saying,” he said. “Tune in, not to win, but to get a sense of where they’re coming from. You might surprise yourself by how much more open you become.”

One way to accomplish that is to think of the discussion as a “dialogue” to participate in, not a “debate” to win.

Believe in the Power of Change

It’s easy to think people never change, especially the ones who disagree with you, said Coleman, but change is possible — for them and for you.

He noted that if you don’t believe a situation can ever change, there are only two options: disengage or fight. Simply believing in the possibility of change creates the opening.

“If you approach conversations with this in mind, you’ll be a better negotiator, a more flexible collaborator, and just all-around easier to get along with,” he said, adding that it will also increase your willingness to interact or compromise with those who hold different views.

Coleman said up to 87% of Americans are exhausted and fed up, and they want a different approach. They “are more ripe for movement, for shifting their take,” he added.

“That’s what we have to remember, because oftentimes — because of social media, because the most extreme voices get all the attention — we assume … all of them are a lot crazier and a lot more threatening than they actually are.”

Coleman has one final tip that might be the most important of all: Take care of yourself. “We are not our best selves when we are anxious and angry,” he said. He recommended mindfully limiting the amount of information you consume.

“Whatever happens (with the elections), there is a lot of work to do,” he added.

We hope these five tips help you survive the post-election season and upcoming family gatherings. Listen to the full episode here.

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CNN Audio’s Jesse Remedios contributed to this report.